I just had a great idea for a way to teach young children about the dangers of drinking, as well as a way to help actors find work. Hear me out.

Parents will hire an actor (any ‘ol actor will do) to play “Uncle Rick.” Uncle Rick will only need to sporadically meet the kid a few times during the “role”, which will consist of the kid’s family having Uncle Rick over for dinner a few times over the course of about 3 years. The more years the kid keeps Uncle Rick in the back of his mind, the better the payoff. See where I’m going with this?…

During Uncle Rick’s visits he’ll have a few drinks. After he leaves, the parents should reiterate how sad they are to see Uncle Rick drinking so much because alcohol is bad.

Then, completely out of the blue, it will be time for the parents to sit down and tell their child that Uncle Rick died from drinking. (The details won’t be important – this is a good opportunity for the parents to improvise a little if they’d like because acting is FUN.)

Then comes the funeral, which will be designed to evoke the maximum amount of mental scarring possible for the child. I’m talking open casket (another gig for the Uncle Rick actor), bawling attendees (other actors, of course), and maybe even a tear-jerking eulogy by a very talented actor. The logistics of getting the child’s entire family in on the act can be sidestepped by simply telling the kid that “Uncle Rick didn’t get along with the rest of the family – because of his drinking. In fact, it’s probably best that you never mention Uncle Rick to anyone in the family ever again because it’s just too painful.”

And that’s that. You’ll end up with a child who never drinks and you’ll have employed a few actors long the way. Case closed. Happy ending. All that.

I’m available to travel within the tri-state area and charge between $3,000 and $7,000, depending on how many visits you require, as well as if you desire a funeral casket appearance. Makeup and travel are extra. Payment is cash up front. Unlimited alcohol is required during the visits.