They Use Dead Babies in Advertising

Did you know they use dead babies in advertising because they’re cheaper and easier to work with than alive babies?

It’s true.

Ever see an ad in a magazine or on TV with a beautiful baby, either being cradled lovingly by (an actor who appears to be) its mother, or dozing peacefully on a cloud near a waterfall or a gumdrop forest? Well guess what? That’s a dead baby you’re looking at. Dead.Think about it. Babies cry, fuss, shit, burp, puke, swell up, stink, and piss all over themselves. And always at inappropriate times. So do you really think that during a professional photo shoot, under those blinding, scorching studio lights, underneath the layers and layers of makeup, amidst the deafening roar of the electrical generators, fans, booms, and wenches, right when the director yells ACTION! – do you really think they’re going to get that baby to sleep? Of course not. Because it’s a dead baby. A dead fucking baby.

And dead babies are cheap! Ever work with a living baby? It’s a nightmare. You have to make sure it’s warm, make sure it’s breathing and make sure it’s never too far away from its parents. And the parents! I have half a mind to kill them too and use them as models in my ads. They always want too much money, demand free transportation, food, accommodation, and royalty checks whenever their little bastards show up on TV. You see, it’s just much easier with a dead baby.

Where can you find a dead baby? Pretty much anywhere you can find a not-dead baby. But dead babies are much easier to smuggle out. I know.

I’m not advocating the use of dead babies in advertising. I’m just saying it’s much easier. And cheaper. And delicious.